DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: