If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”