A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
How funny!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius