I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?