Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.