The morning after pill, but for tweets
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*