Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.