me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.