[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Canadian owl: Eh?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.