Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
We all have our pet causes.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…