You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Saw online –
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”