Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
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Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Good morning.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Great game to play with friends
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*