[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
me adding lol on a serious message
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office