Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
“What movie?” 🤔
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*