Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
You Might Also Like
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.