Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
#ProTip
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.