ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.