my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
At least my masseuse has my back.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
That’s classic.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)