When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
If you鈥檙e gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like 鈥淛eff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
me: I don鈥檛 like other people鈥檚 kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don鈥檛 have any
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Now wait a minute- 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Sure I鈥檒l donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
ME: Hold on, let鈥檚 stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.