Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*mops up wine with cat*
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
☠️☠️☠️
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Spell check is for lasers.