[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*skinny dips into black hole
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
What about second breakfast?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients