due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.