Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
quarantine day 3
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that