Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago