I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Employees must applaud the planets.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ready to be harvested
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!