cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?