I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Customer is always right
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.