2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Wake me when AI does housework
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.