“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Cardio Made Easy
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.