My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
pictures of spider-man
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members