Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”