A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
what could possibly go wrong?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture