After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
<—- homeless romantic
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!