Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Dune (2021)
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.