My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink