this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
You Might Also Like
Velcrow
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.