Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
no
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*