me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule