I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit