Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.