Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
my dog when i have a friend over
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.