Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
honestly, i need both:
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.