Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
#SuperBowl
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.