When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes