I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Hey! This isn’t my car!
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
an airline just for babies.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”