Brands during Pride
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On one hand, it鈥檚 terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it鈥檚 terrible to have access to the Internet.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they鈥檙e not laughing now.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Sounds about right. 馃槀馃ぃ
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My wife isn鈥檛 international so we don鈥檛 celebrate
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I鈥檒l be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Pre school teacher: here鈥檚 your kids artwork
Me: it鈥檚 got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I鈥橪L CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don鈥檛 think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!