*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
getting old is fun
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”