What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
You Might Also Like
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.