Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I am yelling
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!