Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
brian had himself a morning…
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.